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For most people, emotions are non-linear. Feelings of despair and sadness are normal, along with good feelings, like joy and peace of mind. Depression can turn that regular range of emotions into an unusual and long-lasting period of despair, wherein the happy moments are non-existent—or few and far between. Here’s my experience of living with depression.
What depression feels like
In my early adulthood, I started to feel withdrawn, down, unmotivated, and constantly sad. What initially seemed like an off-day turned into weeks of painful feelings that seemed they would never let up. It was difficult to enjoy life with other people my age. Depression made typical, everyday tasks—like brushing my teeth—seem monumental. It felt like an invisible chain, keeping me in bed.
What I didn’t know at the time was, my skin color could make my journey to treatment even more challenging. Living with depression can be harder for Black people, explains Lauren Harris, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist based outside of Chicago, Illinois. “Black adults are more likely than adults of other races to report depressive symptoms… and… less likely to receive treatment,” Harris says. This occurs for a variety of reasons, such as racism, stigma, and stereotypes that Black women in particular are strong and able to withstand pain more than other races.
RELATED: 9 questions to ask a doctor if you’re Black, Indigenous, or a person of color
Symptoms of depression
My depression sapped my energy and dulled my mood, but there are many different types of mood disorders—and the symptoms are different for everyone. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, some common signs include the following, when they linger all day, for at least two weeks:
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
- Irritability
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you normally enjoy
- Decreased energy or fatigue
- Moving or talking more slowly
- Feeling restless or having trouble sitting still
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Appetite and/or weight changes (weight loss or weight gain)
- Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
- Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment
If you’re experiencing these signs, talk to your healthcare provider about a depression assessment.
Treating my depression
My diagnosis took longer than expected due to the stigma of mental health issues and racism. A series of doctors dismissed my symptoms and even told me to be strong, that surely I had been through worse. My symptoms got worse and more severe, and I realized that I could not continue as if everything were normal. I finally saw a psychiatrist who took my concerns seriously and prescribed an antidepressant called fluoxetine (the generic of Prozac), alongside therapy with a psychologist. Initially, I was reluctant to start on antidepressants because of the stigma associated with it.
I was pleasantly surprised when—after around three weeks—I started feeling results. My intense feeling of overwhelming sadness and hopelessness slowly started to lift and the fears I had about not feeling like myself dissipated. I had worried I would feel less like myself on fluoxetine, but instead for the first time, in a long time—I felt more like myself and able to function throughout the day. Receiving treatment and building healthy coping mechanisms has allowed me to continue to function, even when a depressive episode hits.
Aside from cognitive behavioral therapy and medication, there are many natural remedies that can help alleviate symptoms of depression, according to Tiffany Bowden, Ph.D., diversity consultant, mental health professional. “Exercise and a healthy diet are particularly supportive,” Bowden says. “Self-care regimen, caring for plants, aromatherapy, yoga, music, engaging with positive friends, hair care, caring for animals, and family time when families are in healthy balance are all great supports.”
Simple and practical steps like these work for me. Learning to be more mindful and staying present in the moment (not freaking out about the future) has lessened many depressive feelings for me. Repetitive tasks, like hair care while listening to my favorite music, help me self-soothe and work through my feelings. Aromatherapy with certain herbal scents, like lavender, helps to calm me—and doubles as a natural remedy for my anxiety and insomnia. It is also helpful on the go. I carry dried lavender or lavender essential oil with me and inhale it or dab some on my wrist for an instant calming effect.
Living with depression
A part of managing my depression is accepting it, as with any other illness. It is a lifelong healing journey that requires changes to my treatment plan, patience, and most importantly loving kindness to myself.
Learning to understand my feelings, stressors, and triggers has helped me to manage my symptoms. That self-awareness makes it possible to avoid the situations, environments, or people that start my spiral into a low mood—and makes it easier to manage dips when they happen.
Overcoming and understanding depression can be daunting for anyone, but with a combination of therapy, medication, and homeopathic treatment, I’m able to live a normal life.
For anyone out there living with depression, know this: It is not the end, and you’re not alone. More than 17 million adults in the United States have had at least one major depressive episode, and 25 million adults have been taking antidepressants for at least two years. With effective treatment tailored to your symptoms, depression can be managed like any other health condition.
For more information on seeking help or treatment or depression support, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health or call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration helpline at 1-800-662-HELP. You can also find a peer support group here. If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit the nearest emergency room.
